For week three of our women’s series, I wanted to introduce Jimmy Evans. An Author and Pastor, he founded an organization he calls Marriage Today with the goal of raising the standard for marriages all across America. A few days ago, I came across one of his teachings on YouTube where he spoke about the major needs of men and women and how to meet those needs. I thought that he was so on point that I decided to dedicate and entire blog post to it. Because this is a series dedicated to us women, I wanted to write about the needs of men because let’s be real – as women, many of us grew up believing that as long as you have sex with your man, his needs are met.
Barriers to Meeting Each Other’s Needs
“If we could meet our own needs, we wouldn’t need to get married. Met needs maintain the health and attraction of the relationship and minimize outside temptations.”
Right off the bat, Jimmy communicates the importance of meeting each other’s needs, more than just as husband and wife, but as man and woman. In fact, he says that when we reject our spouse’s needs, we’re rejecting them. There are three problems, he says, that cause us to reject our spouse by not fulfilling their needs:
- Rejecting the inherent differences of the opposite sex. Simply put – men and women are naturally different. We were designed differently so we have different needs. This means we don’t take the love that God gave us to love our husbands to change them.
- Translating our spouse’s needs into our own language. Vulnerability and shame researcher, Brené Brown recently debuted a Netflix special called Call To Courage. On one part of her talk, she said that we tend to take what our spouse says or does – or doesn’t – and fill in the gaps by creating our own stories in our heads about what it all meant. If you’re anything like me, a chronic over thinker, you suffer from the stories in your head. As it relates to needs, your spouse needs what they need and they don’t need you to translate it.
- Selfishness. Out of all the different merital issues that individuals enter into a marriage with, I swear this one applies to everyone. No exceptions. The dying to self goes into a whole ‘nother level. It’s so important to get to a point where we’re constantly looking for ways to serve our spouse. Do for them what they need you to do because they can’t do it for themselves – not out of obligation but from a place of delight.
“You know you have what it takes because you fell in love and you fell in love because you served each other.”
If I were to ask you if you’re meeting your husband’s needs and your answer is “no,” your connection with them and your marriage are at risk. To avoid losing connection, let’s see what Jimmy Evans says men need.
4 Major Needs of Men
Honor and respect (MEGA NEED)
According to Jimmy, this is the number one thing that will keep men from feeling rejected. He asks this question: how would you respond to Jesus Christ if you were in a relationship with Him? The bible says clearly that as wives, we are to allow our husbands to assume their role as leader and head of the household and we honor that position by submitting to him ( check out Stepping Into Your Calling as a Wife to find out what biblical submission looks like). Respect him as you would the Lord in His position of headship in your life. This is so critical to men that they’ll gravitate towards places where the need gets met and run away from places that it doesn’t.
Honor your husband. Speak life into him – not from where he is but from where you want him to be. He will rise to that level of honor. Be thankful. Cover his faults and praise his strengths.
This tends to be a huge stressors in marriage because it’s been found that only 20% of women are actually more sexual than their husbands. For this reason, many women swear that their husband is a pervert that just thinks about sex. Shortly after marriage, we begin to feel that our husbands just see and use us as sex objects.
However, this is far from the truth. Sex is the number two need for men because God gave them that need to draw closer to us. It’s not that they’re a pervert – I had to learn this! – but that sex is how they feel closest to us. So, I speak for myself when I say that we have to accept the need and commit to meeting it.
Jimmy suggests that we be more sexual than we feel, to match what he does. Men need visual stimulation – this means lingerie, not “granny panties.” Commit to being energetic and creative when it comes to sex. Have conversations about what turns him on, what turns you on and if you don’t know, feel free to explore.
One thing I found is that when your husband “comes on to you,” it doesn’t mean that his endgame is this bout of acrobatic, orgasmic sex. Unlike most women who desire non-sexual touch, men want and need sexual touch. This could mean a massage, cuddling and watching a movie, a quickie, or even just making out in the kitchen. Again, don’t be afraid to have these conversations. We have the ability to meet his sexual needs because we have the gift of sex.
3. Finding friendship
I’ve spoken a number of times about the importance of your spouse being your best friend. Research suggests that friendships are formed out of common interest or goals and that alone makes our time enjoyable as we laugh, talk, and spend time together.
Come into his world. Your husband doesn’t want a mother. He wants a best friend and he wants that in you, his wife. He wants you to take interest in what interests him (Star Wars and the Avengers for Ray! Oh, and Disney.). Best friends have fun! Jimmy confessed that men will never be more open and honest as when they’re having fun. Wives – you have wise Mr. Evans to thank for uncovering one of the world’s great mysteries.
4. Support at home
With so many people criticizing your husband, your home should be a place where he can fill up on positivity. Speak life into him. Hear him out when it comes to his hopes and dreams and ask what you can do to help him get there. Remind him of who he is and wha he’s capable of. A timely word from a wife is a gift that carries with it the power to cancel out any negativity he’s believed about himself over the years. Make your house a home that he wants to return to at the end of every day. As wives, we have that ability.
“We don’t need to meet each other’s needs based on our desires but theirs.”
The best thing we can do for our marriage is partner with God in letting Him transform us into someone who knows how to love our husband. Jimmy gave the example that at the Garden, it wasn’t just Adam and Eve – it was Adam and Eve and God. When God left the Garden, that’s when all the problems started. See, we can’t have a hope in he world of becoming the wives that our fit for our husbands if we don’t first partner with God. We can’t love our spouse in a way that’s healthy and that works apart from Him.
I’ll leave you with some parting words from Jimmy:
“If you serve each other, you can have the marriage of your dreams.”
Comment below the barriers you’ve noticed keep you from serving your husband. What are some ways you’ve learned to be less selfish and more serving?