Hello fam! This week we continue our men’s series and I want to bring a topic that most men will be drawn to. Before I jump into the topic, I want to use this time to say thank you for reading this post and being a part of this movement to grow more and more into our roles as husbands and wives. Gentlemen, this is not only for the ladies – this is for us as well so that we can becomes the husbands that God has called us to be based on His word and not the type of husband that society portrays us to be.
Growing up, everything I knew about sex I learned from my father. As you all know from last week’s post, I was introduced to Jesus by my grandmother. My father was and is still not so godly. For him, having multiple women was okay as long as you respected the one you lived with. For him, it was important that you gave your main woman her place so that she always felt appreciated and didn’t complain on the nights he didn’t come home.
As a young boy, my father was this man I wanted to grow up to be. Anything less and I would’ve failed in life. Growing up, I became a womanizer – the more I dated women, the more I wanted sex, to the point that the only reason I spoke to and dated any woman was because I was seeking sexual intimacy. I probably would have made my father proud with the man that I was becoming. You all know how this affected not only me but the women I dated, many broken hearts and guilt deep inside me
So, Let’s Get Into It
There are two misconceptions that people have about sex and I wanted to not only talk about those with you guys and then I will talk about what has worked for my Jess and I. By all means,we are not experts in this department and we are also learning as we go. The reason why this topic is one of the most spoken about topics when it comes to marriage is because sex helps maintain a level of intimacy that both people need in order to have a healthy marriage and it build a bonds between both people, bringing them closer and feeling complete.
We all know when we get married, nothing goes as planned – we let our emotions and disagreements break us apart. The more you time you spend being mad at each other, the less intimate you become. This is the beginning of a dying marriage.
Misconception #1: Now that I’m married, I get to have sex all the time forever.
Those that have successful marriages know that this is not true. In marriage, both usually have different sex drives; men are usually more sexual while women are more emotional. It might take a man one whole minute to get turned on verses a woman for whom it’ll take an entire day of foreplay. The purpose of this is not to sell you a fairy tale. Even though being intimate with your wife plays a major role in building a strong healthy marriage, it is also unrealistic to say that having sex whenever just one party desires would be beneficial for your marriage.
My wife can touch me in any way and I can easily be turned on but that doesn’t work for her; I would have to get her ready mentally (desire) before she gets there physically (arousal). Since most woman are emotional beings – if she is not there emotionally, don’t expect her to be there physically.
I would love it if I could be intimate with my wife every single day but that is unrealistic. We need to understand that there are just days your wife might not want to be intimate – she might just be dealing with one of her giants that day or a tough season in her life and me trying to please my sexual needs can draw her deeper into that negative state.
Communication with your spouse and talking about your sexual needs can be an effective way to let her know what you both need. My wife is no where near as sexually inclined as me but we would sit down and see what does the Bible says about being intimate and we have found a balance that not only helps her emotional state but brings us together closer.
You don’t have to have sex everyday but it does have to happen often so that the devil can’t come and persuade you or your wife into sinful thoughts. In fact, the Bible commands sex for this very reason (Corinthians 7:3): “A husband has the responsibility of meeting the sexual needs of his wife and likewise to her husband.”
Misconception #2: Now that I’m married, sex is boring and it’ll eventually stop altogether.
This is only true for those that let it get to this point. Many people believe that in order to be in a Christian marriage that, you can only make love to each other the old classic missionary way. NAH BRO. Even though the Bible talks about certain sexual acts that we shouldn’t do because it would be sinful, it doesn’t say that you cannot explore your wife’s body and connect deeper physically and emotionally. You can be creative and keep that fire up. Make it fun!
Many people think that once you are married you stop dating and that is our number one down fall. Continue to date your wife. Surprise her with flowers and her favorite chocolates. We tend to fall into society’s ways and we only show our wives love on special occasions but you should celebrate love everyday with your wife – never let it die. Always be intentional – make her feel beautiful and loved and I promise that fire will never die. Like I said before, there will be days you or your wife feel down and depressed but you should be there for each other always. Support her when the world turns its back on her and remind her that God created her for greatness. Doing this it builds confidence in your marriage and it keeps the fire going. This is the greatest form of foreplay.
What’s the Bible Say About It?
- Sex within a Christian marriage is meant to be an expression of love and becoming one. Many would argue that they shouldn’t need to have sex for their husband or wife to know that they love them. While this is true, (sort of), it’s confirmation of love. It’s a spiritual and physical connection unlike any other. Sex is the magnet that unifies two people.
- It’s how we procreate. Genesis 1:27-28 – “God created human beings; He created them godlike, reflecting God’s nature. He created them male and female. God blessed them: “Prosper! Reproduce! Fill the earth! Take charge!” Simply put, babies are a product of sex.
- But, it’s more than just a means to procreation. The Bible talks about sex from the beginning: “the two shall become one flesh.” This disproves the belief that sex is just for having children. This is a about a deep level of delight and intimacy. For men specifically, sex is how we most intimately connect with our wife. It’s not only about hearing the words, “I love you” – sex – to us – is how we understand love the most. This is what’s going to make a man feel the most connected in a marriage.
- It’s a guard against sexual sin. Sin has a big impact on sex. There is a real enemy looking for opportunities to destroy what God has brought together. When a man and woman come together under the covenant of marriage, their bodies are no longer their own; rather, they belong to each other. This is so important because the bible says that when we deprive the other of sex, we open the door to sin. This means that when we keep our partner from connecting with us physically, spiritually, and emotionally through sex, our spouse’s humanity will push them to look elsewhere for that connection we all innately desire. Yes, self-control is a thing so it’s possible to withhold going this far but a sexless marriage is bound to fail. The bible says we are only to deprive each other when we both agree on it and only for an agreed upon period of time – when she’s on her cycle, when one of you is deployed (for military families), for devotion to prayer – things like this. Then it says to come back together because we will be tempted because of our lack of self-control.
- It bonds husband and wife. Sex the way God created it, at its purest form means that there is no shame, it’s not a meaningless act – just arousal and joy in each other. The Bible says that sex between husband and wife is such a profound union that they essentially merge into one person. It’s a means of maintaining and deepening the connection. I love how Timothy Keller put it when he said that sex is the most powerful, God-created way to help you give yourself entirely to another person. It’s a bond at all levels – “a continual uniting act.”
“Sex effects our heart, our inward being, not just our body.”Timothy Keller
In conclusion, sex plays a major role in coming together within the context of marriage. Having continual conversations about sex a part of your regular conversation will help strengthen not only your physical connection but your spiritual as well. Date your spouse and do whatever it takes to keep the fire lit. Talk about what turns the two of you on and explore that. In doing these things, we can better fulfill God’s mandate to become one – physically, spiritually, and emotionally.